Currently Listening Hello, Control By Brandtson see related

I'm crashing

I think I am almost at the point where I may actually need professional help.

This is the third time that I have felt the start of a period of feeling down, and very unhappy with my life.  Usually something new tends to trigger these depression times.  I'm not afraid or scared to admit it.  I probably am depressed.  Unable to get a CA position at the U, and now University Housing doesn't have space for me to be a regular resident... anywhere.  Apartment hunting sucks.  I am picky and my price range around a campus isn't sufficient.  Sorry if I am unwilling to completing sacrifice quality of life to live in a shit hole close to campus.  No.  Won't go there.  Nor am I will to cause anymore unnecessary debt. 

I calculated my debt a few days ago.  I'm at 15,000.  That's for two years.  Two more to go... and with tuition increasing... I guess I'm going to have at least 30,000, and that's for a four year state college.  What the hell? 

So I'm in a rutt.  Nothing makes me happy.  I hate my "jobs".  Lab just seems to be just a repeat over and over again of no results and the inability to DO anything about it.  I am not  being properly taught and I've been there for two years now.  I wish I had more accomplished, but perhaps it's not meant to be.

Things with Rick are... well.. I envy and resent him.  I wish I could be like him without a job and have my parents pay for all my education; but it's not in the cards.

I'm so damn sick of him being what he is... he's a fucking boyfriend, he shouldn't whine if I want him to pay for me at a restaraunt.  I AM THE BROKE ONE. Money is the stem of all my problems... problems I probably make a bigger deal than it actually is, but... just simply... I wish things were different. 

Now I don't plan on just whining and being emo about things and expect them to come.  I need to make plans, and DO something to be what I want. 

 "Know what you want, and let yourself have it!" 

I want to lose weight.  I need to exercise more regularly.  I have good weeks, and bad weeks.  I want to be consistent.

I want to get results in my lab.  I need to do research and learn things for myself.

I want to get straight As, maybe a B or two this year.  I need to study regularly and learn things because I can use them on more than just exams.

I want a more satisfying relationship with my boyfriend.  I need to figure things out and give things time.

I want to get out of this hole I've dug and be truly happy again.  I need to win the lottery.  :)

The secret to any success is that the success is in the process.

Currently Listening Beauty from Pain By Superchick Bowling Ball see related

Bowling Ball

An update on my mother:

She's doing well, as far as I know.  She's been doing chemotherapy treatment for a few months now and will be starting a month of so of radiation soon.

Pathetically, that's not why I am here today to write in my neglected, yet at some times, HIGHLY needed online journal.

Guys.  That's the subject, like usual.  Do you ever feel pathetic that you waste so much time and hopes on one person just to later realize that... once you take a step back and compare it to what you know you really want, it just doesn't match up.  This instance reminded me of the song "Bowling Ball" by Superchick.

"

Maybe he'll change
Maybe things will get better
Maybe it would be nice
If he wouldn't always put you down
Maybe things will work out
But maybe they'll never
And I think that you've given him
The benefit of the doubt

Chorus:
You need that boy like a bowling ball dropped on your head
Which means not at all
You have too much to give to live to waste your time on him
You need that boy like a bowling ball dropped on your head
Which means not at all
You have too much to give to live to waste your time on him

Maybe he'll change
If you could be better
But maybe it's not your fault
He's checking out the waitress now
But someday you'll change
One day you're stronger
And you will have changed enough
And it's time to get out

Chorus

You have too much to give to live to waste your time on him"

I do have so much left to do in life, so much I still need to start to reach

some of my life goals that I really shouldn't change what I've always wanted.  

I don't understand why I always seem to find myself in these sort of ruts. 

Do I remain good friends with an influence such as him?  Obviously I'm attracted to him

but it doesn't really seem to be for any of the right reasons, and he could just

distract me again.  Ohh the drama.   Real life drama is so much more complex and hard 

to comphrend then anything the OC character can pretend to go through.

Currently Listening Speakeasy By Stavesacre Gold & Silver see related

I wasn't prepared for this

It's been a couple months now.  Maybe more.  I guess at this moment I'm just too apathetic to actually look it up to know for sure, but yes, indeed it has been a long time since I posted.  And for once, get ready for this one, it's not about guys.

I'm not sure how to really begin this, but I guess I'll just let whatever words that come to mind just flow out into this text box.  Ha, that sounds sort of pathetic.  Right now I'm so confused on how I should feel.  Should I really be this emotional?  I did brush it off yesterday.  I brushed it off the first time it happened to.  It was just sort of a phase of my life that should have been a larger part, but I sort of shrugged it off as if it were not important or it really was not something to worry about.

This time around it was like... just like a bomb in the face.  Sort of like something you can't ignore.  Today started out like just another day with a regular school routine.  Yet, it certainly isn't ending that way.  I was at home after classes and I remember my dad coming into the house at around 2:40pm.  A little less than an hour before he normally does.  I thought perhaps he came home early because of a terrible cold he has been having.  I asked him how's he feeling, and he said I shouldn't be concerned about him.  Right then was the second time I  have ever seen my father cry.  It was for the same reason as that first time.  My mother was rediagnosed with cancer today.

It's extremely painful when a loved one is hurting, and some of it just sort of transfers to you.  We made a little small talk, and I then went to go cry in my room.  I cried myself into a nap when I woke up to hearing a car pull into the garage.  I thought it was Natalie, but when my bedroom door opened, I learned it was my mother.  We hugged, cried, and talked for awhile.  Probably the best heart to heart I have ever had with my mother.  I love my mother dearly, and to see her spirit just... cave in.  She was convinced that she was cancer-free, that this testing would just confirm it.  Now she knows she gets to do it all over again.  The weeks on drugs that weaken her, and the idea that she might not make it through a second time. 

I remain opptimistic.   I have to be.  I refuse to lose my mother when she is still so young to die. 

What elevates my pain more though, is remembering how I reacted to this last time?  Is it more for show?  I'm upset because I don't even understand my own feelings.  I have no one to talk to either.  Natalie isn't home, and my parents told me not to mention it to her tonight.  No one is online that I'm willing to talk to about this, and I really don't feel like I have anyone to call.  I mean sure, I have friends, but the topic of a mother with cancer isn't really a subject I have open to discuss with just anyone.  My friends from highschool are not that close to me, and the only people that ever were that close to me, obviously are not anymore.  Hence why I turn to my abandoned online journal, so perhaps I can have some sort of... emotional rest so I can do some of my homework and sleep tonight.

This whole ordeal makes me also consider that idea that perhaps I am just trying to get simpathy for my mother's pain.  I guess it is also my pain, but considering my reaction the first time around, I have still not convinced myself that this isn't for show.

Isn't that a horrible thought, but it's worse when you think that it may actually have some truth behind it.

Currently Listening Burn Out By Slick Shoes Away With You see related

And I feel tonight, that I let you die. But you could have lived forever, it took smiles to keep you alive.

But heroes die.  And so did mine.

I think I blew it this time.  Just as I was submitting the previous journal entry he e-mailed me.  Weird timing, right?  So with a series of e-mails I probably managed to push away what was probably one of my closest friends, but I suppose I've been doing that for nearly a month now.  But I think I pushed it too far this time.

I e-mailed him asking if I could call him to talk to him about it... since he doesn't always answer his cell, but, either he never read the e-mail (which is highly unlikely), or really, he's just fed up with my childish behavior. I would have given up too by now.  I just wished he would have hung in for another day, because it took me awhile to really realize what I'm doing. 

Yes, childish I am.  From a song I started to listen to at around the age of 10...

How do you think I felt,
that I made up for all your mistakes?
You never think of consequences,
carelessly destructive, you fall down.
I can see you sitting there.
Wish that you could see yourself.
I wish I knew what was going on inside,
I’d just be sickened more.
Why don’t you open your eyes?
You’re not all you think you are.
Your selfishness is getting on my nerves.
Why don’t you go away.
Forgetting all that you’ve been taught,
is this the way you treat your friends?
I’ve dealt with you for long enough.
When will it end?
I hope that this is just a phase.
I’ll be there for you in the end.
I’ll be there when you finally come around…
but for now…and don’t come back.
Have you ever know what you were looking for?

How easy that seems to fit the situation.  I am truly a witch.  Why do I WANT to... TRY to inflict pain on those I care about?  Is that right? I just don't understand myself and this "phase" I'm going through. I am such a witch.

Oh yes, another entry.  Amazing ehh?  Of course several things have happened in my life since the previous entry, but it's only on the nights that I have boy troubles that I find a reason to write.

So who is it tonight you may ask... I'm so glad you care.

The same person it's been for... ermm... maybe 8ish months now?  Haha... that's almost funny... 8 months to recover... it took me over a year for Justin P, and nearly three for Mike G. Funny. Yes.

JWC.  Where do I start. Oh... how about I start off by saying that right now, I'm just annoyed.  So a large motivation for taking off the weekend was to hang out with him... yes, I can admit that.  However, now hearing from my sister and Nick that he's freaked out about that... okay, so whatever.  We just won't hang out at all then.  I'll just avoid you.  He seems to do a fine job at avoiding me it seems.  Yes, that is what I shall do.  I will not contact him. Or communicate with him from here on out.  He can attempt to contact me... but I'll only accept snail mail... (since that's classy) or phone calls.  Emails... pfft... myspace... yeah, I'm suicidual.  Being trying to commit myspace suicide for a few days now. They just won't let me quit.

I've come to the conclusion that it can't be... if I truly cared enough about someone, I wouldn't want to hurt them. Which is essentially what I would be doing by ignoring him, or refusing to contact him.  Why would you do that?  Obviously this is just another fling thing to me.  I have yet to establish a real relationship with a guy.  The sooner I get over JWC, the sooner I can start another disasterous crush on another guy. Who shall the next victim be? Sadly, I might have already chosen him.  Want to hear the prediction? Cole.  Tune in about a month for an update on that one. Yes, pathetic I am.  I'm beginning to truly understand myself, only then can I begin to understand others. At least, it's a theory.  Not exactly a law, though. As far as I know.

Overall, I'm thinking... knowing JWC as I do, he'll probably forget about me just as easily as I shall forget about him.   It shall be a slow process, but in the end, worth it?  Probably.  I don't regret getting over the Justin crush... or the Mike crush... or the... whatever Zach thing.  Seriously, I look back at those and laugh. Hahaha.  Which... if the trend continues, shall be the conclusion to this love tale that never was.  Never was.